Here's the fourth part of the Love series I wrote for the Straits Times:

LOVE 04: Friendships of Pleasure and Perfect Friendship

(800 words)

“Those who wish well to their friends for their sake are most truly friends.” (Aristotle)

This is the fourth in a series of articles about love. Last week I started to examine the love that exists between friends, beginning with Aristotle’s account of friendships of utility. In this type of friendship we love people not for who they are, but because they are useful to us. Such friendships tend to be shallow and are quickly dissolved.

Many workplace friendships are based on utility. This is not to say that they are necessarily bad. On the contrary, they help us to work more productively and make our workdays more enjoyable. But it is perhaps foolish to expect too much from them.

In the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle goes on to examine two other kinds of friendship: friendships of pleasure and perfect friendship.

Friendships of pleasure

In friendships of pleasure we love people because we find their company pleasant. Aristotle gives the example of people who are always cracking jokes and making us laugh. “It is not for their character that men love ready-witted people, but because they find them pleasant,” he says.

Pleasure also lies at the heart of friendships between people who share hobbies and interests. I play squash, and have lots of squash-partners who are, in a sense, friends. But I know very little about them, and they know very little about me. Our friendship is based solely on the pleasure we derive from playing sport together.

Friendships of pleasure have a lot in common with friendships of utility. Both are ultimately rather selfish, and both are quickly dissolved.

But the key feature of utility-based and pleasure-based friendships is that they are incidental. They are formed by chance rather than by choice. I have no special affinity with my workmates; I just happen to work with them. And it’s no big deal if I lose one of my squash partners; I simply find myself another one. “For it is not as being the man he is that the loved person is loved, but as providing some good or pleasure,” says Aristotle.

Perfect friendship

In perfect friendship we love people not merely because they are useful or pleasant, but because of their character. We love them for who they are.

“Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue… [and who] wish well to each other. Now those who wish well to their friends for their sake are most truly friends; for they do this by reason of their own nature and not incidentally.” (Aristotle)

Perfect friendship isn’t tinged with selfishness in the way that utility-based and pleasure-based friendships are. It has as much to do with giving as receiving. Unsurprisingly, such friendships are rare and take time to develop. “A wish for friendship may arise quickly, but friendship does not,” says Aristotle.

Harry Potter

The theme of friendship runs strongly through J K Rowling’s Harry Potter books. The relationship between Harry, Ron and Hermione provides a good example of Aristotle’s perfect friendship in action.

A number of incidental circumstances initially bring the three Hogwarts pupils together. For example, they are all put into the same house, Gryffindor. But it is character rather than circumstances that binds them together. They are all brave, fiercely loyal, and share a highly developed sense of justice and fairness.

It is the mutual recognition of one another’s goodness that makes their friendship so special and enduring, and makes them willing to risk even their lives for one another.

I am fond of quoting André Comte-Sponville: “Our lives – private and public, domestic and professional – have value only in proportion to the love we invest in them and find in them.” This is certainly borne out in Harry Potter’s experience.

I recently watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Harry goes through some very difficult times in this film. Only the support of his friends prevents him from sinking into despair. At the climax of the film, nothing less than love and friendship can provide him with strength of will to continue the fight against Voldemort.

A hierarchy of friendship

Clearly there is a hierarchy of friendship, with utility-based friendships at the bottom, perfect friendship at the top, and pleasure-based friendships in-between. Each type of friendship is necessary, and each adds a certain amount value to our lives.

But perfect friendship is what we really desire. Or perhaps the word ‘perfect’ is misleading. After all, nothing’s perfect. But in any case, we want friendships that go beyond utility and pleasure. We want true friends, good friends, real friends, friends who will stick by us and love us for ourselves…

But how are such friendships formed? This will be our topic next week.