LOVE 07: Staying ‘In Love’
How can we passionately love the person with whom we have been sharing our daily life for years, or continue to idolise someone we know so well…?
(André Comte-Sponville)
This is the seventh in a series of articles about love. Back in part 1, I discussed romantic love and considered the notion that two people can be ‘made for each other’. I concluded that anyone who believes they’ll live happily-ever-after if only they can find the perfect partner is sure to be disappointed.
This week I will return to the subject of romantic love, and consider whether it is possible for a long-standing couple to stay ‘in love’?
Love as longing
In Ancient Greek, the word for romantic love is eros. In mythology, Eros is the god of love and sexual desire. There are different accounts of his birth. One of the best-known is found in Plato’s Symposium (see part 1 of this series), in the Speech of Diotima.
According to Diotima, Eros is the offspring of Penia (Goddess of Poverty) and Poros (God of Resource or Supply). With such grossly mismatched parents it comes as no surprise that Eros suffered from a dual nature, destined to fluctuate forever between poverty and plenty. Constantly craving; constantly consuming; but never satisfied.
Anyone who’s ever fallen in love will identify with this. To be ‘in love’ is to be in want. It is a passionate craving; an urgent longing to possess and be united with the beloved.
Passionate love is an obsession; a kind of madness. The song When You’re in Love by The Proclaimers sums it up beautifully:
Six thousand million people in the world
And you say there’s just one.
The only one and you must be together.
And if they love you the pain is so sweet, it just gets better and better. And if they don’t, you want them more than ever.
Eros is an intoxicating mixture of anguish and joy. You fall in love, and you suffer torment until she returns your love. When at last your have her in your arms, you’re transported into the seventh heaven.
But even the joy of this newfound union is tempered with pain. What if she ceases to love you? What if she leaves you? What if she learns to love someone else?
If you are lucky, the time comes when you are secure in her love. You love her and she loves you. You belong to one another. This sharing of passionate love is one of life’s most sublime experiences. Every precious moment ought to be savoured.
Because it cannot last.
The trouble with Eros
In chapter 18 of A Short Treatise on the Great Virtues the philosopher André Comte-Sponville explains why passionate love cannot last - why we cannot stay ‘in love’.
The nature of eros is want. But when want is satisfied, it ceases to be. We cannot continue to crave that which we possess.
So it is with lovers once they become ‘a couple’. Comte-Sponville writes, “If love is want, how can it survive after it has been fulfilled; how can it continue once it has been satisfied; how can we make love without unmaking it…?”
New love is wild and intoxicating. Who can forget the electric jolt that accompanies the first touch of a lover’s hand, or the heart-palpitations that accompany her first kiss?
But eventually satisfaction kills desire. We cannot stay ‘in love’ because we cannot stay in want. We cannot remain urgently in need of someone who is with us every night and every day.
Letting go of love’s young dream
“We should live our passion while we encounter it,” says Comte-Sponville. But we should understand that it cannot last.
How will we react when the first violent passions of eros subside? It seems to me that we have three choices.
We can become disappointed and frustrated - and perhaps angry with the lover whose kisses are no longer quite so urgent.
Or we can move from one grand passion to another, constantly rekindling the flames of love in the embraces of someone new.
Or we can accept that eros must sooner or later give way to something else - that love must change and not every change is for the worse. This will be the subject of part 8.
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